My deleted review for Hit and Run

Hit and Run (2009) (V)

Bad enough to make your telephone bleed (that doesn't make any sense, but then neither does the film)., 5 October 2011

(This review was deleted by IMDb based on an abuse report filed by another user)

Based on an urban legend, and told with irritating scene transitions, stupid camera angles, and unnecessary fancy editing, Hit and Run tells of Mary Murdock (Laura Breckenridge), a sexy college student who, after a drunken night out, runs down a virtually psychotic bipolar kindergarten teacher who doesn't take kindly to being turned into a hood ornament for her SUV.

Hit and Run is either a failed tongue-in-cheek attempt at tackling a formulaic premise by taking matters to the extreme, or it's a complete and utter mess made by a director who should be given a restraining order preventing him from ever going near a movie set again. Your guess is as good as mine.

If director Enda McCallion was aiming to be as outrageously daft as possible, logic be damned, then his film just doesn't go far enough to make his intentions clear. The majority of the action is so dumb that one can only presume that McCallion is having a laugh, but then there's the bits seemingly played straight that leave a nagging doubt at the back of the mind... perhaps this is actually meant to be scary as opposed to hilarious.

Thank heavens then for gorgeous star Breckenridge, who makes the whole sorry thing bearable, no matter how awful it gets: she may be asked to perform some pretty stupid stuff, her character clearly in short supply of brain cells, but she does so in a really tight vest, gets rained on a lot, and is frequently splashed with blood and mud. I don't know about you, but a hot girl in tight wet clothes and with her cleavage constantly on display goes a long way to making any film easier to stomach.

My deleted review for Eden Lake

Eden Lake (2008)

Hoodie horror!, 27 November 2008

(This review was deleted by IMDb based on an abuse report filed by another user)

I watched Eden Lake last night and now I'm angry.

Not because the film was bad (on the contrary, it was very good); not because the nastiest character was called Brett (when surely it's common knowledge that all blokes named Brett are extremely nice); not because I had to watch the film on my portable DVD player while the wife watched 'I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Outta Here!' on the telly; and not because a rather silly ending spoils what might have been an otherwise perfect piece of entertainment.

No.... I'm angry because, with Eden Lake, I've been shown the terrifying truth about one of the biggest evils currently plaguing the UK (I'll give you a clue: it likes to wear Burberry and has lousy taste in music!).

That's right: I'm talking about Chavs!

If, like me, you find that yob culture makes your blood boil, then you too will be absolutely seething by the end of this excellent film, which cleverly taps into the viewer's fury, fear and frustration with loutish teenagers who are free to terrorise the innocent because the law lacks the power to punish them.

In Eden Lake, Director James Watkins presents a harrowing fictional account of one such incident in which a couple are subjected to unbelievable pain and humiliation by a gang of nasty young thugs. The sickening atrocities perpetrated by Watkins' lawless delinquents are terrifyingly real (reports on similar real-life events can all-too-often be found in today's tabloids) and serve only too well to highlight just how far our society has sunk in recent years.

A taut, well constructed script packed with believable characters and credible dialogue is brilliantly brought to gut-churning life by its novice director, and a superb cast make this film completely compelling, despite the harrowing subject matter. The film's victims, Jenny and Steve, are well played by the gorgeous Kelly Reilly (wow, where has she been hiding?) and Michael Fassbender, but it is the younger cast members who play the Chavs who really impress: they all give thoroughly chilling performances, with Jack O'Connell, as Brett, delivering one of the most memorable and vicious villains ever! If this guy doesn't go on to greater things, then I'll eat his Burberry cap!

As I've already mentioned, the film isn't perfect, with a few contrived plot developments and an unfortunate finalé that takes a little too much swallowing, but on the whole, this is one of the most exhilarating, frightening and infuriating (in a good way) horror films to come out of the UK in years.

In fact, I enjoyed this one so much, I'll turn a blind eye to the last five minutes when rating it: 8.5 out of 10, rounded up to 9 for IMDb.